Hey I once thought a blog was that thing attached to the aqua trampoline at the lake. A kid would shimmy to the far end of the blog, and another kid would jump off the trampoline, landing on the near part of the blog, shooting the child on the end into the air.
Now it’s 2018, I’m in my mid-twenties and I’m writing this blog to make my meandering, go-nowhere life more appealing. But I still wonder… what is that thing attached to the end of the aqua trampoline called?
The years after college and before I am a mother (read: responsible for others) feel like someone or something I don’t know has asked me to wait for them in a sinking pile of sand. I sit and walk and sit and slowly drown in sand.
In the past couple years I stopped writing with any consistency because writing felt self indulgent. Who cares about what I have to say? Each sentence seemed unearned, a narcissistic waste of space, selfish.
Sitting at my desk at work for hours was numbing, and scrolling through lifestyle blogs written by successful older women, often mothers, helped me get through days in wait. But they weren’t really healthy. They simulated making me think and feel. They weren’t art and they weren’t real. Blogs seem like an attempt to hide the boring bits of life under the bed, turn away from ugliness, the struggle, the hardship, the apathy.
Why not start an ugly blog? Something ironic and farcical, a girl who just doesn’t know that making her life seem beautiful is essential to the blog’s success.
When I started writing that blog, it didn’t make me feel happier, or even feel more at all. I was melancholy all on my own, why draw the feeling out into an extended project? The chance to be earnest was too tempting and I didn’t want to create something that was so spiteful.
So I’ve come to the conclusion I will have a lifestyle blog that is entirely real, with both the happy and sad bits.A blog for all the pretty-from-a-certain-angle girls who develop their fashion sense at Salvation Army. And it will be entirely me– which means a lot of food and a lot of griping. Have you ever listened to this Alan Watts lecture? I’m not a huge fan of this guy though some people think his farts are angel music, but I like the thing he says about 45 seconds into the video that the essential rule of business and occupation is to learn to how to get paid for playing (I also greatly enjoy the part when he says “avocados” because I do not often hear Brits say avocado and they sound very silly!). So here I am continuing to do things that won’t earn me any money, but I have to start thinking that my writing is worthy of entering the world again. Here goes!