Furiously sorting through the myriad of lies behind “one-pan meals”

**Disclaimer: I’m going to curse a lot in the post, because I don’t know how to talk about this topic without cursing, and because when I took the expletives out it was far less fun to read.

The year is 2018. A young food enthusiast, a hungry young woman, a hearty girl is scrolling through her favorite blogs to pass the livelong workday.

She happens upon a one pan meal post and is bit with debilitating ire.

She wonders who the hell coined the phrase “one pan meal” and its cousin “one pot meal” in the first place? It’s too difficult to pin down, she cannot pin it down after 20 minutes of googling! This causes her to discover that Betty Crocker was never a real woman, but a phantasm created by a bunch of shithead businessmen at General Mills trying to identify with middle class women across the country who resembled their wives, sisters and daughters whom they probably made less of an effort to understand.betty crocker, epicurious,

The phrase “one-pan meal” is a frustrating euphemism for casserole, and searching for the origin of the casserole is a futile endeavor. She might search for the origin of the cassoulet, lasagna, or moussaka. She asserts that americans stole the traditional dishes of other cultures and fused them into an easier and shittier concept devoid of custom or nutritional benefit (that’s the American way!). (She admits that moussaka requires making a sauce and cooking ground lamb prior to assembly, and a cassoulet involves pre-cooking beans and the euphoric mess of duck confit).

Reading the Wikipedia page for casseroles, she is struck dumb by one sentence: “Cooking in earthenware containers has always been common in most nations, but the idea of casserole cooking as a one-dish meal became popular in America in the twentieth century, especially in the 1950s when new forms of lightweight metal and glass cookware appeared on the market.”

“One pan meal” is a fucking marketing ploy for selling cookery!

She feels delicious validation for her initial sense of fury at the usage of “one pan meal.” Those continually producing, or reading “one pan meal” content are cucks buying into a 70 year old sales scheme!

She thinks about the book she once bought as a child, Cooking with Foil. The blatant Reynolds Wrap advertising and obtuse understanding of gastronomy made her laugh repeatedly, yet she felt unable to convey the joke to anyone else.

But back to the tangent at hand.

A broader frustration roots itself… misguided language, perpetuating this beguiling notion that feeding oneself is a complicated and inaccessible activity. She thinks this bullshit is the reason most Americans don’t cook and our national cuisine consists of a variety of processed foods and sandwiches. The continued use of “one pan meal” suggests that all other meals require a collection of pots, bowls, soup spoons, ladles, grills, and fry pans.

Nearly everything can be a one pan meal with a bit of ingenuity. She would turn any skeptic to the Martha Stewart-cooking-pasta-in-a-frying-pan recipe.

martha stewart living, one pan pasta, In a final sad whisper she asks herself if she will ever live in an apartment with a dishwasher and be able to afford to use multiple pans and utensils to cook a meal.

Patrick Henry said give me liberty OR give me death, not both: A self realization involving ice cream bars

This is the Pinterest page for MYO ice cream sandwiches. I felt douchey calling out one Instagram account because I don’t approve of their excessive gluttonous bars.

I saw an Instagram video of someone pouring rich brown ice cream over a sheet pan filled with fudge and hazelnuts. They put the sheet pan in the freezer, solidifying the ice cream and fudge layers and then cut it into slices and poured melted chocolate over each one. A hazelnut fudge ice cream bar… a thing of beauty… a thing that I don’t want?

It’s overwhelming.

I just want one of those things, either the fudge and nuts or the ice cream. I can’t imagine making something so gratuitous. I’d never get to the part of the recipe when I pour the not yet frozen ice cream over the fudge because I would be out of my mind excited about having a sheet pan of homemade fudge in front of me that’d I’d just settle for that. I also feel this way about cake pops, ice cream sandwiches, and burgers that have eggs and bacon and onion rings on them.

What a waste of cake! (photo courtesy of Melissa D’Arabian on foodnetwork.com. Sorry Food Network you were where I found recipes when I was a little kid who’d only heard about chefs if they were on TV).

What the hell Rachel Ray! Spumoni is indulgent enough, why pair that with not one but TWO cookies?! Are you trying to murder me?
Taken from 2015 July/August issue of Food Network Mag.

Patrick Henry said give me liberty OR give me death, not both! Gratuitous desserts and sandwiches are not this American’s way!

this is my lunch, I could make it look better but what’s the point?

Alternative title: I’ll show you mine, if you show me yours.

tilapia, desk lunch,
desk lunch

Tilapia pan fried (breaded to make me forget it’s tilapia and think it’s something better), I buy this at Aldi because it’s insanely cheap, and they sell some with a sustainably caught crest, and this is my compromise for not being a vegetarian even though I know that I ought to be.

The olives are really nice because they’re so fatty and salty they keep me grounded. I have low blood pressure/ feel half alive when I’m at work so I think the salt helps. They were part of a Spanish medley at Mariano’s (Chicago-area grocery stores that are like Publix or Stop & Shop but much better). And sun-dried tomatoes make everything taste more interesting. I feel I am more interesting and mature eating sun-dried tomatoes.

What do you eat for lunch? One of my dear friends swears by a tub of this hummus with a bag of baby carrots. I often do a similar thing when I’m too lazy or busy to cook, though I don’t have the brand loyalty she has, and I usually buy baba ganoush because I prefer it to hummus.

Life Lesson: You can’t eat ice cream for every meal.

I know what you’re thinking, oh yeah, bet I can! But no you can’t because I learned this the hard way: going to the doctor when I was 16 and him saying Emma I’m sorry to tell you this, but in the past year your cholesterol has skyrocketed! I’d just gotten my first job and with a sense of newfound freedom and a little change in my pocket, I was eating ice cream for dinner 5 nights a week. And sometimes for lunch on Sunday too! So believe me when I tell you, you can’t eat ice cream for every meal. You’ll probably die.

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I try to keep it down to 3-4 times per week now.